Picies galore

Well, after the weekend, I decided to spend a bit of my own time to blog down some updated stuffs, which isn't much (now that i no emo- less to say). But due to some people, I thought of tryin to post the pictures that I took as well... It's about time I think :p

Anyways, the week past was quite ok. Still up and down, but mostly stable and up :p
The highlight of the week past to me was on Tuesday and Friday:)
Tuesday, for the presentations that I went to watch that afternoon. A colleague of mine had a presentation that was compulsory to the students, so I went to see it. 4 presentations were done: Animal rights, Teenage pregnancy, pre marital sex and sex education were done by them. The 2nd and last were good. Unfortunately, as the first 3 didn't really control their time - which was a bad thing to me - the last group started their presentations only at 5pm, which was definitely after the time. It eneded up with 80% of the students all back, as =most of them had classes at 5pm.
Sex ed to me was very good, as it really connected to Malaysian standards, unlike the other 3 actually.

Next was Friday. My kids finished their exams !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yoho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :p
so we went for a lunch at KIMCHI, a korean hop in TCM. And the lunch was not too bad either. The sizzling beef was good acutually.




Abu and Anna ;p


Jia and Mr. Leong


Tetra and bodycheck gal ;p

Of course, Ash suddenly became weird during lunch. so got the picture then!!!



And of course.... some horrific ghost had to come back and haunt us, even at the last day....




Now, some random photos:


If u see carefully, the first two lights looks like the eyes of the demon front of the dark clouds (the body)



My cat Doukas

Oh yeah, b4 I forgot, we also met up with Yuen's nephew, who is so DARN CUTE!!!!! Took some pictures of them together.

Importance

Well, they say u learn something new everyday. AND BOY U DO.

I did too today.

U ARE NOT REALLY IMPORTANT TO CERTAIN PEOPLE WHOM YOU PUT AS IMPORTANT TO YOU.

Nuff said.

Going to scream again now at my balcony.

SLEEEEEEEPYYYYYYYYYYYY

as i went to the office today, some colleagues began to tell me, Jeff. U look pale today. Even a few of the students who met me told me so. Then i started to think. It's mainly due to sleep i think.
let's calculate...

Saturday night : sleep at 3am
Sunday : woke up 12pm
Sunday night: 2am
Monday morning: 7.45am
Monday night: 3am
Tuesday morning: 7.45 am
Tuesday night: 2am
Tody: 6.45 am

total sleep within 4 days : 23 hours.
IF average per day is 8 hours, therefore I shol've been taking 32 hours...
intead it's 23 hours.... so...TERBALIK O.o

dead....

recovering

Well, it's time for me to change already.... The past few/many posts were so dark, I scare myself reading it now. Gosh..... Didn't expect myself to be so.... DARK.
Hehehehe...

But, I seriously would like to thank my friends who both on many many places started asking about it. Enquiries on whehter I'm ok or not.
Now, it's not that I'm looking for attention, but with all these going on, I can say that it seriously helps you a lot :)

And because of this, I can go on..

THNX!!!!

P/s: Not that i can't go on already. It's just that I was going throgh a dark period that time.... hmmm. the 30s crisis?


NOW...something to jiggy with it

Singularity

Now i know why people need to have their other half. After all this. It's easy. So u can talk about ur distress, feelings and uncertainties with them.
I, being single till now didn't give me that feeling...until now. I dono why, but throughout this entire week, I was aching to tell someone, anyone i know about how I am feeling.
But let's face it. Even I myself don know what I'm going through.

ANGER,HAPPINESS, SAD, DETACHMENT,all these just cycled through me at a goddamn fast rate like some enhanced PMS, that basically drains me. Thought it was just pure melodramatism, overly dramatic about it. But now, after lying on the bed for some time, I realized that I do need someone to talk to.
BUT HELL it ain't gonna be the ones I talked to past week, whether through phone, meets nor any other means.

Why? cos one, they caused it. And two, they won't understand. I my as well talk to the wall for all the same purpose.
And that's why I writing this down again, early in the morning where I could sleep soundly, maybe even with a dream or two on a cool night.
But noooooooo, I had to be high strung over it, thinking over the whole episodes and charades that went through throughout the past week.

One: I feel used.
TWO: I am an idiot for willingly to being used.
3: I can't believe I was so immature about it.
Four: IDIOT for not seeing it, and putting my whole goddamn leg into the messy coffin I built for myself.
5: Still wanting to go along with it even after noticing it.PURE RETARDEDNESS
6: Not being able to work well due to it.

tHese are the 6 things I noticed the whole week, tried to rid myself of it.
Managed to do it this morning during my work time till evening,
then 7 came in - being involved in it again.
PURE FUCKING GENIUS OF ME TO DO THAT.
MUST SHOOT MYSELF FOR BEING RETARDED.
And to think, i call a certain someone retard all the time, when i'm the biggest one of all.

GODS. I feel like i wanna scream myself hoarse till my throat dries up and i cough to death.
Or maybe get a heart attack now and begone with it.
WHY?
COS I FEEL LIKE A BIG JERK AND LOSER.
Can't believe I TEACH as a living.

SLEEP FOREVER is what i wanna do now. Maybe catch a bit of chtulhu's insane dream, so i'd be insane too.

P/s: bolding the words to remind me how much mistake i made, if i survie this and read it again.

hypocritic idoit

I think I'm a hypocrite. Was talking about the sunny days this morning , now feeling angry like shit.
Should know that some people do not really care much of what u plan one. I don mind u telling me it's cancelled. tell me earlier, don leave me hanging like some person that u would only layan when u have no bloody choice. In fact, if u think u have no bloody choice just say so. Don need ur sympathy or whatever that u think u're forced to.

And i'm a bloody idiot to be angry with it. Cos it's normal for people like those to do such a thing. But why am i goddamn angry for?
Cos i'm too attached to them. DAMN IT.

DEEP BREATHS...
U managed to do so well throughout the day. Then u crumble over such a small thing, a last minute cancellation.

Congrats, u Idiot.
And now u know how they think about you already right? Some idiotic, emotional SIR that they are getting annoyed with.
With that, can u handle the thought of not having them at all without a breakdown?!
SUNNY NEW DAY.
MY FOOT

New weekend

well, fell asleep after some commotion yesterday night. It was dreamless slumber, so deep I overslept for work today!!!! :p luckily managed to reach it there.

Anyways, after the sleep I suddenly realized something, as I faced the new bright sunny day. LIFE MUST GO ON. It's a fact, and one that I forgot the past few days. No matter how crappy it is for me, I realized that I must go on. so why in the bloody hell am I still moping about the past, and the future too?
LIVE IN THE PRESENT, ENJOY IT.

Yes. That's what I must do....
So i figured out already. let's be happy about it lar. go fucking nuts if u want to, but not over the worries, but whatever joy u find in ur current position. YES, ANYTHING can go to hell anytime soon, so what's the point of worrying about it? Yes, u do worry sometimes, but let's not despair over it.
Well, I am currently in the office typing this out, while waiting for the YELLOW HOUSE to grab the championshi in netball and marching :p
SO HAVE A HAPPY WEEKEND!!!!

21 guns

well, if u heard the first verse before the first chorus, that's how I'm feeling now.

Now I realize it, that to be better, I seriously need time to be away. Even the slightest contact seemed to trip me already. but i can't do that, cos my GUILT TRIP will be on.
CRAP
might be going to a talk this Monday by some students of another programme, by a colleague of mine. Seemed appropriate now- Suicidal thoughts is the talk.

It's raining heavily in my heart now, whatever that may mean to u. That's how it feels for me... And my umbrella is just useless against the storm.
My as well give in to it, be swept among the tide.
Had a friend (a nice surprise, actually) who sms-ed me in regards to what I've been blogging about. Well, I do admit, might have being melodramatic at some time.
BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT MY THOUGHTS ARE MELODRAMATIC.
See how it goes lah this weekend. If u see the newspaper....
Oh well.

Suicidal tendencies

Was trying to sleep after a long day, but couldn't. So popped up the laptop and started to check my fb. Thinking there might be some people around that usually pops up at this time there, especially after someone told me see me in fb. GOSH. How stupid of me to believe.
Anyways, it was when I started to look back at certain times. It's a habit of mine to think back to the few days before and replay it over and over again.The more troubled I am, the further past I'll start from. And it immediately hit me that I was seriously tensed out this week. I have no idea why.
Maybe it might be due to the whole shcmooly thing that hit me beginning Saturday. Yea, Saturday. It hit me that I was especially tired mentally and emotionally (surprisingly) since then.
Why? It was obvious that I got into some kind of mess here. Not too big, but it's affecting me personally, quite bad. And for me, talking about it would just mean that I'm seriously losing it.
It seems that I could not hold any sense of differentiation anymore. PEOPLE has always said, do not mix work with personal life. Of course, it's hard isn't it? we all do that a point or 2 in our life.
I for one kinda lost myself in it too. And now I seriously find it difficult to get out of it. Main reason is being emotionally attached already. STUPID. HOW IN world could i do that? I've done my job before, and it wasn't like this!?!?!?! So much that I think I'm losing my mind over it.
Not to mention of certain status change. that was bad too. and it did affect me alot.
Somehow this combination is wrecking me up. I've been mentally loaded eversince Tuesday, with the work - my students were sitting for their externals then, my paper some more. I was much more nervous than they were! Of course! It'll reflect on me in reality! NO matter what anyone say, I don't think I can forgive myself if they did badly.
And then some other things popped up too. and it just overkilled me metaphorically speaking. Been draining myself over it since then.
I think it came to the point that today, I seriously couldn't think happy thoughts. BLOODY SONG started to play right about 10 in the morning and kept on till now. YES. it's still playing. That was why I drowned myself with quite loud music in the car.
Or walk aimlessly...
could this be depression? I even told my health condition to certain people I shouldn't be telling? I mean, elo?!?!?! It's me business. why do i need to let everyone know it? Want sympathy is it? IDIOT. FUCKING IDIOT.
SO what the hell am i gonna do? the parental instinct seriously screwed me up this year. SERIOUSLY. At times, i wish it didn't happen, at times I'm so happy it did. MANIC now.I'm not even too sure if anyone shares what i am feeling or did have what i am feeling now before. I'm BLOODY AFRAID make my next move now.
I want to withdraw to myself. let myself feel my own presence, instead of being bombarded by it. Some people could do it, some people are doing it. BUT i realized i couldn't do it. I am an open book, not something closed. I can't withdraw from the problem knowing the fact that it would HURT THE PROBLEM!!! The guilt would be my ticket to hell man.
It's not that i am not going to hell. Jeez. been thinking of certain hellish thoughts already these few days. Only thing i can say is:
IF U COMMIT IT, BE SURE U ARE GOING TO COMMIT IT
FOR example Committing suicide is a pure one way. If u wanna do that, be sure u are gonna do it. DOn have last minute thoughts about it, cos it'll ruin the commitment.
Gee, I confess, been thinking about it last few days. even though of which can kill outright 100% and which cannot. Which can be done and which cannot

U cannot drown nor strangle yourself
Hanging and jumping from a building may not kill you. IT'll be bloody painful for you to suffer then. NOT to mention u are in public
Slitting wrists needs technique. otherwise, u'll just waste blood, not life.
popping pills can be done. yet, if u are found then, they can save u again. Modern medicine can pump those drugs back right out of u
walking/running to an oncoming vehicle/train/bus? SERIOUS COMMITMENT

all these were thought within the few days. And it said something. JEFF. YOU ARE SERIOUSLY MANIC DEPRESSIVE. Not to mention, idiotic for being able to come up with it.
Well, I'll just let my health runs it course I think. Not too sure how long it'll take, but it'll do.
When I do die then, mayb the bloody song won't play in my head anymore.

press play

This song popped up in my head after a certain something happened this morning about 10ish.
Please Don't Leave Me lyrics by Pink

Da da da da, da da da da
Da da da, da da
Da da da, da da

I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time I've kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
Da da da, da da

I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
But my heart is broken
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Da da da, da da

Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Oh please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I cannot be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I'm sorry
Da da da, da da

Da da da da, da da da da
Da da da, da da
Please, please don't leave me
(Da da da, da da)

Baby please don't leave me
(Da da da, da da)
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me no no no

You say I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back
It's gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

Please don't leave me, oh no no no.
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me
Baby, please, please don't leave me
© EMI BLACKWOOD MUSIC INC.; PINK INSIDE PUBLISHING;

Now.... Repeat the playing in your mind over and over and over again since then till now (4pm) non-stop, especially the chorus.
You will be able to feel my bloody mood today then.

Princess and frog

let me tell u a story:

The princess and the frog got together, on the account of an old crane and a fish after a night of stormy weather. the next day, the princess went to tell her half sister about it. The half sister stormed off in a huff for not being told earlier and proceeded to have her daily mocha at the Starduit coffeestall.
Now, this act hurt the princess, who always confided to her sister in almost everything, including PMS and lacy panties and red bikini bras and the such. She didn't know that telling the sister about the incident would blow up in her face. So she went to cry into the deep dark seductive darkness that is her closet.
the old crane, feeling lonely called out to the frog. The frog, panicking at the incident told the old crane to bugger off straight, hurting the old poor lonesome crane. wobbling in sadness, the crane wandered of to Tekken.
Realizing its error, the frog tried to croak to the crane through his croaking device, but was snuffed out by the emoing crane. The crane, which still felt hurt began lashing around everyone else, who got out of their problems themselves - the princess and even the fish who saw the anger from far away.
So everyone began to apologize to the crane, each defending their actions. the fish defended the frog's actions, trying to calm the crane down, yet nearly got swallowed up by the angry bird.
Meanwhile,the half sister, at starduit stall began to realize that she wasn't being chased back by any of them - the frog, the princess nor the fish. She got angrier thinking that they left her cos they jolly well happy to be rid of her. in her anger she began to note on her magic mirror all the things she was hiding from them - the feelings, intentions and anger all on the magic mirror.
all tis continued till late at night, where the frog still croaked frantically to get the crane's attention. finally getting the old bird's attention, the frog apologized to the bird telling him the reason of all the things that had happened. The crane, hearing the story, got calmer and began to advice the POOR POOR RETARDED frog on how the others might feel/think.To the crane's musing, the crane noticed that the fish had the eye on the frog as well. yet the frog was oblivious to it.
Sighing loudly, the crane proceeeded to knock sense into the frog on the birds and the bees, and the princess and the transpiration of their togetherness.
The crane explained (in vain) the effect of the frog and princess going along together, yet the frog was retarded to it.
As the frog went back in forlorn, the crane thought, "sigh... it's going to be a long december in the woods this year"

TO BE CONTINUED...
this is a fictional story, any coincidental or parallel story are just coincidence

HITCH

IT means so many thing now after today.
First of all, I am getting over the last 1/2 day of anger and such. It is not good. Depression isn't either. Yet, it happened, especially after seeing an ex that breaks down in public.....
Anyways, Had supper with some person. WHom I wasn't supposed to bother from now onwards. Yet the temptation to contact was too great. I AM GOING TO HELL FOR THIS TEMPTATION.
So proceeded to have a long talk to him.... And i went
through my head: Am i to talk about birds and bees too? Since it's part of biology...
To make things simple, I told that person that he should just go along with what he had done since that day, and not regret it.... AS HE DID tell me the complications.
YES ABU, u are right. can't get angry after i know. IT's not his fault. It's YOURS.

AND that gave me the creeps. GEE, i thought. HE HAS MORE TRAITS IN COMMON WITH ME THAN I THOUGHT OF!!! Here's the guy who thinks so blooody far into the future when the present is not even being handled properly!!! I thought I was the only one doing that!?!?!?!

Gave him some final advice on it, basically. WHY? b'cos from Wednesday onwards, i am just plain sir to them. not planning to barge into any affairs of theirs already.

Also, after all that has happened, I observed some things:


1) first and foremost: U can see how people feel for other people, but u are blind to how people feel for u.

2) No use trying to reverse things. Life is not a car.

3) When u go into something. DO GO INTO IT.

4) And don't be too secretive. people know (see reason 1)



so now, what does hitch got to do with this?
1) The whole incident revolves around it, slightly but still it.
2) I feel like Hitch (the guy in the movie of the name). Give so much advice. Yet fucks up in his own one. sigh....
3) At my age, it's seriously fucked up when u are single. Time to adopt a kid on your own....

Feeling better so don worry

I'm much better so don worry.
U all go about ur important things, and that is now.
I'M FINE. FEELING BETTER. DON WORRY. NOT ANGRY.

Hope that makes u feel better. It's my own problems. NOT U, JUST ME.

IT's formalities, by the way.

$(%*

AND I FEEL FINE

FUCK IT.
Hate people who is keeping things from me, when the so called "secret" is obvious even to a blind man. And the nerve of them to say i'm close to them.
Fine. If you don wan me into your private affairs, then don't. I'll keep things proffesional now then.
FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!
That's how ANGRY i am and how hurtful I feel. Don blame other people. I just know it. Asked b4 and u don come clear out of it.
do u actually know my latest relationship status became this way partially because of u people!?!?!?!
1) They say they respect u... RIGHT....
2) They start pretending u're their best friend instead.
3) And then they proceed to NOT tell u anything else cos U're still their TEACHER.

Now, I'm just plain depressed.............
this is what happens when u're too close to them. U GET BURNED. VERY MUCH.

Now, since I don teach them anymore. I'll stay the fuck away from their business. It's not my fucking business.

3 more days

If I'm counting today, which I can't since I'm not teaching them, I'd have 3 more days with them. B4 they all do their exams and fly away. One's heading to mapleland. Another going back to pandanland till next Feb, where he/she'll fly to Australia...

All going here and there.
Ihave A MIND to visit them when they're there. Problem is:
1) Don think they wan me:(
2) can't go out of country till i finish up something. BIG.

SIGH......
*proceeds to corner to make mushrooms again*

BTW: listening to Celine Dion's A New Day Has Come, right after Gradation Day song from Vit.C. Talk about APPROPRIATENESS O.o