Suicidal tendencies

Was trying to sleep after a long day, but couldn't. So popped up the laptop and started to check my fb. Thinking there might be some people around that usually pops up at this time there, especially after someone told me see me in fb. GOSH. How stupid of me to believe.
Anyways, it was when I started to look back at certain times. It's a habit of mine to think back to the few days before and replay it over and over again.The more troubled I am, the further past I'll start from. And it immediately hit me that I was seriously tensed out this week. I have no idea why.
Maybe it might be due to the whole shcmooly thing that hit me beginning Saturday. Yea, Saturday. It hit me that I was especially tired mentally and emotionally (surprisingly) since then.
Why? It was obvious that I got into some kind of mess here. Not too big, but it's affecting me personally, quite bad. And for me, talking about it would just mean that I'm seriously losing it.
It seems that I could not hold any sense of differentiation anymore. PEOPLE has always said, do not mix work with personal life. Of course, it's hard isn't it? we all do that a point or 2 in our life.
I for one kinda lost myself in it too. And now I seriously find it difficult to get out of it. Main reason is being emotionally attached already. STUPID. HOW IN world could i do that? I've done my job before, and it wasn't like this!?!?!?! So much that I think I'm losing my mind over it.
Not to mention of certain status change. that was bad too. and it did affect me alot.
Somehow this combination is wrecking me up. I've been mentally loaded eversince Tuesday, with the work - my students were sitting for their externals then, my paper some more. I was much more nervous than they were! Of course! It'll reflect on me in reality! NO matter what anyone say, I don't think I can forgive myself if they did badly.
And then some other things popped up too. and it just overkilled me metaphorically speaking. Been draining myself over it since then.
I think it came to the point that today, I seriously couldn't think happy thoughts. BLOODY SONG started to play right about 10 in the morning and kept on till now. YES. it's still playing. That was why I drowned myself with quite loud music in the car.
Or walk aimlessly...
could this be depression? I even told my health condition to certain people I shouldn't be telling? I mean, elo?!?!?! It's me business. why do i need to let everyone know it? Want sympathy is it? IDIOT. FUCKING IDIOT.
SO what the hell am i gonna do? the parental instinct seriously screwed me up this year. SERIOUSLY. At times, i wish it didn't happen, at times I'm so happy it did. MANIC now.I'm not even too sure if anyone shares what i am feeling or did have what i am feeling now before. I'm BLOODY AFRAID make my next move now.
I want to withdraw to myself. let myself feel my own presence, instead of being bombarded by it. Some people could do it, some people are doing it. BUT i realized i couldn't do it. I am an open book, not something closed. I can't withdraw from the problem knowing the fact that it would HURT THE PROBLEM!!! The guilt would be my ticket to hell man.
It's not that i am not going to hell. Jeez. been thinking of certain hellish thoughts already these few days. Only thing i can say is:
IF U COMMIT IT, BE SURE U ARE GOING TO COMMIT IT
FOR example Committing suicide is a pure one way. If u wanna do that, be sure u are gonna do it. DOn have last minute thoughts about it, cos it'll ruin the commitment.
Gee, I confess, been thinking about it last few days. even though of which can kill outright 100% and which cannot. Which can be done and which cannot

U cannot drown nor strangle yourself
Hanging and jumping from a building may not kill you. IT'll be bloody painful for you to suffer then. NOT to mention u are in public
Slitting wrists needs technique. otherwise, u'll just waste blood, not life.
popping pills can be done. yet, if u are found then, they can save u again. Modern medicine can pump those drugs back right out of u
walking/running to an oncoming vehicle/train/bus? SERIOUS COMMITMENT

all these were thought within the few days. And it said something. JEFF. YOU ARE SERIOUSLY MANIC DEPRESSIVE. Not to mention, idiotic for being able to come up with it.
Well, I'll just let my health runs it course I think. Not too sure how long it'll take, but it'll do.
When I do die then, mayb the bloody song won't play in my head anymore.